You Are The Reason
by celestial-irondad
Summary: How Tony felt, before, during and after the snap (after his snap).


_There goes my heart beating. _

_Because you are the reason, _

_That I'm losing my sleep._

Tony knew from the moment he saw the framed picture from his kitchen shelf that he'd do anything to get his Peter Parker back. He'd been selfish, only thinking about himself, not wanting to dig up his old wounds, his loss of everyone important to him. Frankly, he didn't want to remember that his kid died. He didn't want to relive that horrible moment when his spider-ling grabbed onto him, calling his name in the most frightened and scared voice he has ever heard. But he couldn't get it out of his mind then, he couldn't get it out now. His spider-baby was on his mind twenty-four seven, his shaky voice, his terrified eyes.

He didn't want to remember because he hurt. His heart hurt. And he knew what he needed to do, whatever it took, because Peter deserved a life he never had and it would be unfair to him if Tony didn't at least try. His kid was the one who made him better, and he couldn't even save him, didn't even say he loved him.

Peter deserved better than that, better than him. So, he sketched a rough outline of what would be a time machine, to undo what Thanos did, to bring back his spider-son. Because Tony owed it to him to at least try.

—

Why weren't they back yet? Where was his spider-baby?

_Please come back now. _

"Mr. Stark!" Peter was here. He's safe. "Do you remember when we were in space? And I got all dusty? And I must've passed out, 'cause I woke up and you were gone, but Doctor Strange was there, right? He was like, it's been five years! C'mon, they need us! And then he did that yellow sparkly thing that he does all the time—"

There he was, his unruly hair, his big doe eyes. His spider-man. But this wasn't how Tony envisioned he would reunite with his spider-ling. He expected their reunion to be in his house, with all the privacy they had so that Tony would finally confess how much he loved him, how much he missed him and how sorry he was for not telling him sooner. For giving up. And listening to Peter ramble on and on about his resurrection and how Dr. Strange did his magic thing for them to fight alongside with him made him realise that…

That as long as his spider-son was with him, he'd be happy. Satisfied.

But then he remembered. His fight was most definitely not over. Their war was not over. His children were still in harm's way, so Tony did the first thing that came to his mind. Grabbing Peter and pulling him into his embrace never felt so good. He wanted to hold him one last time in case something goes wrong. In case he had to make one last sacrifice.

"Huh, this is nice," Peter's voice sounds like a melody in Tony's ears.

—

_There goes my mind racing. _

_Because you are the reason,_

_That I'm still breathing._

Tony hated Obadiah Stane, but he absolutely despised Thanos. How dare he take away his Spider-son? How dare he take away the kid that had so much potential, so much life, so much promise?

He genuinely thought, that with everyone here to help, he'd be able to go home to Morgan, safe and sound. But there he was, on the battle field, while the other Avengers busy with Thanos' troops, fighting the big purple grape alone. Tony only managed to get the infinity stones at the very last second, as he predicted. Just before Thanos threw him to the side like some useless rag doll.

_I'm hopeless now._

He had to do it. Had to protect Morgan, even if it meant that he would die. He couldn't risk Thanos harming anyone else that he loved.

"I am," Tony breathed, knowing fully well that his might be his last words. "Ironman."

—

_I'd climb every mountain,_

_And swim every ocean,_

_Just to be with you,_

_And fix what I've broken._

His spider-ling was smiling up at him, eyes twinkling like the stars. They were back at the workshop, tinkering with his web-shooters while Peter rambled about his day. Tony couldn't help but listen and smile at his kid who hung the sun in the sky, his kid who lit up his world.

But suddenly, they were in Titan again, and Peter was trembling, voice shaking as he called Tony's name.

"I don't know what's happening— I don't, I don't—"

Tony's heart broke as he held his sun in his arms.

"Please, Mr. Stark, I don't wanna go," Peter's breathing was laboured, voice shaking. "I'm sorry."

Tony's kid was hurting and he couldn't do anything to stop him. He was frozen, scared and afraid, as his spider-baby faded into dust.

He had to fix this.

_Because I need you to see,_

_That you are the reason._

—

_There goes my hand shaking._

_And you are the reason,_

_My heart keeps bleeding _

He had nightmares for days, on the spaceship and on earth. He couldn't stop thinking about his spider-ling. His Peter Parker that helped him, that laughed at his lame jokes and whenever he did something stupid. The same Peter Parker that showed him that it was okay to love, okay to trust someone. It was completely fine to mess up and fall, because at the end of the day, he had Peter who would still look up to him, still love him because he was simply his Mr. Stark.

Peter was the Bucky to Tony's Steve.

_I need you now._

—

_If I could turn back the clock, _

_I'd make sure the light defeated the dark._

"Peter!" Tony shouted, as he watched the red and blue fall from the forty-ninth floor where his webbing had been cut. His gaze focused back on the monster that was finally in his grasp and nearly cried with desperation.

"Mr. Stark! I'm sorry," Peter's voice sounded through his intercoms. "I didn't see it coming, I— I'm out of web fluid, Mr. Stark!"

"Boss, Peter's heart rate is dangerously high, I would recommend saving him before it's too late," Friday informed, as if Tony didn't already know. He threw the monster away in anger, blasting it with the strongest repulser and took off, knowing fully well that the monster didn't die. Tony didn't have a choice. It was either saving Peter or killing the thing that was the cause of the in the first place.

Tony barely got to his spider-baby in time. One moment later and Peter would be spider-pancake on the New York roads. "I've got you, kid, I've got you. Go to sleep, you're safe."

He could see Peter smile through the mask. "I know, Mr. Stark. You always keep me safe."

_I'd spend every hour, every day, _

_Keeping you safe._

—

_I don't wanna fight no more, _

_I don't wanna hurt no more._

_I don't wanna cry no more, _

_Come back, I need you to hold me closer now._

Tony had never felt so much pain before, both emotional and physical. He would never get to see his Morgan again, never get to tinker with Peter in his lab again, never kiss Pepper again.

"Mr. Stark," Peter sounded like he was choking. "Hey, Mr. Stark."

Oh, my sun, I'm here. I protected you again. I will always protect you.

Peter's eyes swelled with unshed tears as his voice shook. "Can you hear me? It's Peter."

I know, my spider-baby. How can I not? You saved me, so it's my turn to save you.

"Hey, we won, Mr. Stark," Peter cries. "We won, Mr. Stark."

Of course, kid, I'm here. You're safe. You won't hurt anymore. I saved you.

"We won," Peter repeated, to reassure Tony or himself, he wasn't sure, but he let his spider-boy talk. "You did it, Mr. Stark. You did it."

Tony closed his eyes and remembered all the times Peter smiled, all the times he laughed. His sun, the one that lit up his world, the one that guided him away from the mind-numbing darkness that surrounded him.

"I'm sorry, Tony."

No, you have nothing to be sorry for, Peter. I love you.

_Just a little closer now, _

_Come a little closer now._

_I need you to hold me tonight._

—

_I'd climb every mountain,_

_And swim every ocean,_

_Just to be with you,_

_And fix what I've broken._

_Because I need you to see, _

_That you are the reason. _

My sun. My light. My spider-baby. My spider-ling. My spider-man. My Kid.

I love you 3000, Peter Benjamin Parker.


End file.
